May 1, 2020. Labor Day.
I decided to spend today sleeping at 2am trying to get in as much episodes of W: Two Worlds Apart because the Type A in me wanted to get the series overwith expecting a good dose of romance in a very interesting plot scheme. I loved the plot and setup, I still cringe how they executed the romantic elements. It’s the 48th day we’re in quarantine because of the COVID-19 pandemic. I had nowhere to go, so what better way to celebrate almost 5 years in the work force than by lying down all day and bingewatching KDrama on Netflix?
Tonight, after finishing Solteras (also available on Netflix, guys. I got a good laugh out of it) for the first time in so long, I felt bored. The empty kind of bored. I was in the shower, thinking what I would do after, when it dawned on me. I was bored and I didn’t want to watch anymore movies for the night. I didn’t want to play ROM. I was sleepy but I didn’t feel like sleeping yet. I was bored. I knew it was good to finally be bored. Then I remembered all the things that have happened since the past year up to now – and so so much has happened that only now had I found the time and headspace to sit down and write openly about it.
2019. We got the house renovated. It was big work done on the house, spent over 10 (starting February) months sleeping in the most uncomfortable conditions. Got promoted to Manager by April, had to make the 24/7 operations come to life for the business. In all those, had to juggle writing my dissertation with dedalines every quarter and fit some time to go to the gym. August, lost a loved one. Spent every Sunday of September grieving, dreading mass. October, my period started acting funny after 4 years of doing so well. November, 24/7 operations took off for the first time. December, we spent Christmas here in Manila after almost 10 years. It was quiet and a little sad. The first of the many Christmases that will never be the same again.
Woah, 2019. Too much, right?
2020. January, first week, submitted final draft dissertation. 2019 year-end reviews for the team. Taal erupted, causing a week or so for the entire team to work from home. Kobe died, saddest Monday since August 2019. Downloaded dating apps on my phone again. COVID-19 news outbreak. February, goal setting for the team, slightly paranoid with all the bad news from January. Everybody brings home their work laptops daily. March, entire Luzon quarantine, work from home: business as usual on the front, adjusting to new higher management on the back. Requested to pause my gym membership. Tried Yoga with Adriene daily as a work-ender activity. Revived my dating app profiles, but never religiously used them. April, still business as usual. Pajamas are the new work clothes. Reduced Yoga with Adriene sessions to 2-3 times a week. Received final dissertation results. I passed my MBA course.
And we’re back to today.
Wow, I can’t believe I went through and did all of that. There’s always something every month. And whenever I meet with friends, I always feel like I have nothing to say of what went on in my life. It always felt like it wasn’t that important to let them know about it. I’d mention some, but thinking back, I can’t recall providing in-depth, heart-to-heart, spill my guts conversations on any of those topics. But why?
Now that I’ve written it down, it feels like I haven’t been dealing with ‘normal’ for about a year now. Things seem to keep changing, the daily habits and schedules are there, but there are always variables that it all seems ‘normal’ to me now.
Everyone in my team is looking forward to get out of their houses after the government lifts the quarantine. I’m too comfortable that I don’t think of the day I’ll be able to get out of the gate again. It scares me that I’m too comfortable at home. I sometimes joke that I may come out socially awkward and decide to be a recluse after this community quarantine. It scares me that there’s some ounce of truth in that joke.
I’ve sat through a couple of mental health sessions for this pandemic – both friend recommended and company required ones. And I never found them useful. Because what I was in, already felt normal. I still work 40 (+2) hours a week. Still ate dinner with the family. Showered at 7. Fed the dogs. The routine was still there, only the daily commute was out. So I did not understand the buzz of ‘the new normal’ going on social media. Sure, frequency of washing hands increased and people using face masks, but they seemed logical – normal – called for – supposedly being done even without the pandemic.
I learned, though, that I hated casual video calls. Video calls that weren’t work-related or with family. I hate it. It feels awkward and I feel like I have to keep my face in check for some reason so I end up looking at myself more than the people I am talking to. I know you’re supposed to mimic like how it is if you were physically out with friends, but the lack of physical, tangible presence feels empty to me. Lol, is this me realizing I can’t do long distance relationships? I’m still laughing.
I applaud and envy my friends who are able to pull that off. But I have also realized I’m using this time for myself. Like, I’m genuinely enjoying spending time alone, doing things quietly, alone. Laughing, alone. Crying to KDrama, alone. The house is full but I’m enjoying my own little bubble here in my room, alone. And I find it funny that for someone who’s been called an extrovert by friends, acquaintances and MBTI personality tests, I’m enjoying all the disconnect time I am having. Is there something wrong with me? But this feels normal. No, correction, it feels right.
Is there really such a thing that’s normal? If you think about it, what happens today can not happen tomorrow. What you have now, you can not have tomorrow. What you do today, you can not do tomorrow. Are we placing too much expectations on ourselves and our surroundings that anything not in line with it, becomes not normal? If so, then that’s stressful. Maybe that’s when the struggle starts. Is it worth it though? Is it worth it to find ways to go back to yesterday’s normal? Or would enjoying the present while adapting for tomorrow be more worthwhile?
Maybe I’ll know tomorrow.
XO
A
That's just the way I roll 
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