I’m in that point once more where I’m starting to feel attached with someone whom I’m not supposed to feel attached to. No, this is not a matter of availability but the truth that nothing good will ever come out of this route. It was supposed to be a fun and unadulterated friendship that was for keeps.
It feels like giving Bourbon away all over again. Bourbon was my dog a few years back when my mom’s friend couldn’t take any more dogs into her home since she already had one too many. We bought Bourbon because we thought we could give the love that she deserved. And we did. She was my dog and my mission was to make her fat with food and love. Bourbon and I became fast friends and at the end of each day, I would sit outside the garden and have her on my lap to tell her how my day went. That went on for months to almost a year. Bourbon had her first period early and I was busy with studies at the time. I wasn’t there to keep an eye and she somehow became pregnant. In a way, it was bittersweet. We knew that Bourbon was not ready to be a mama dog but she did manage to get through with the pregnancy however giving birth to deceased puppies. I thought that was the end of our grief. I went home one afternoon a few days after that happened to find out that Bourbon was to be sold. I didn’t want to. Up to this day I still don’t know why I agreed to it and it still tears me up. Maybe it’s because I knew that I gave part of myself to that dog knowing that if I gave love or not, she would still be giving me that unconditional love that dogs are always bound to give. I cried all night the day we finally sold her to a very eager buyer. And it was the silent kind of cry, the one that hurts more than wailing. I slept beside my Mother that night and she would never have knew I cried myself to sleep if I did not tell her a few months later.
The feeling of liking someone out of the boundaries of friendship is probably one of the best feelings to be felt. Knowing that you and that person get along well and having that gut feeling that there can be more and nothing left. Then, having to purposely turn the feeling off just when you realize you’re going out of the bounds of friendship may be one of the most painful things that I have felt. (Or am feeling) It terribly feels like giving away Bourbon, giving away that love.
What hurts more is that I’m never going to be able to express this admiration after this, even as a joke. Like a Christmas present that never reaches the destination and will forever remain unopened. But I think it’s for the good. We’ll be back to buddies.