We were out doing the Way of the Cross last Wednesday night and along with that Lenten tradition, we took turns reading the gospel passage and reflection for every station. It so happened that whenever it was my turn to read, the message of the station fit my current life situation so well that I thought the booklet was talking to me. If I weren’t Catholic, I’d say it was coincidence -or fate. But since I am, I’d say it was God’s way of telling me how much I’ve been missing out since this year started.
As much as I want to go to confession and spill my guts to the priest so I’d be forgiven, I don’t think things will change unless I do something else about it. And besides, whenever I do go to confession they always say that I should straighten things out. So I decided that I’d write something about it both as a reminder and a way of forgiving myself.
From my previous posts, it’s pretty clear that I have not been my best. I’ve been frustrated lately and it has made me less patient than I already am and more crass in my everyday social interactions. My insensitivity has affected and offended many of the people who are close to me. I have been out of focus with myself. I lost my bearing – like a ship travelling with no compass. To make myself feel better for my second-rate performance, I compared myself with others. I found security in the shortcomings of others. Then, at some point, my optimism just vanished. Every day seemed like night and I could not wait to get home whenever I was in school. I didn’t enjoy conversations (which is so unlike me). And every waking minute seemed like a time bomb ticking into explosion.
There are a lot more things that happened that I cannot remember. Like the days just went by and I did not notice. It does seem like I’ve been living like a dead man these past few months. As much as I want to take the mean things that I have said, I cannot. As much as I want to go back in time and re-answer those quizzes, I cannot.
A few nights ago, I was researching on the quality of sleep and insomnia for our Methods of Research class. All that surfing the net brought me to a web page that discussed depression. As much as I would like to dismiss that I’ve ever been depressed, I think I was. The site even listed the ‘signs.’ And the words that popped out were ‘a sense of hopelessness,’ ’self-loathing,’ ‘fatigue, ’ ‘difficulty falling asleep.’
I think that was the first wake-up call. I don’t want to be depressed and sad. That’s not me. It dawned on me that my little pity-party isn’t going to get me anywhere but down. And it just clicked. I have to make-up for everything in such a short time but it’s doable. And this week-long vacation is my avenue to make up for it.
Now that I’ve realized these, the next few days are going to be reflection and action for me. Pray that I get through this.