Hoping…sucks

Funny, how I like to end my posts with an ‘I just hope…’ sentence but I’m currently ranting against it. I sound like a hypocrite. I know.

I just don’t like the thought of getting my spirits up, when in fact, I know that the chances of getting what I want are slimming by the day. It just sucks to have to see the next day pass knowing that whatever it is I am hoping for, it’s gonna take a whole lot of luck and good temperament to happen.

It sucks that the chance of an opportunity just slips away without me noticing that it already happened. It sucks that people could be dense, that I could be dense.  It pains to have to see ourselves cheering each other up, hoping that there’s a possibility for another chance but having to know the probable reality that sometimes, chances do come once in a lifetime.

I know that what happened was bullshit and I never really meant it. I know that I’ve been hoping when I have a strong sense that it just keeps slipping away. I know that I’m being the pessimist when everybody’s trying to live the pleasurable side of optimism. And I know that I just hold about 20% of the events that occur around me everyday.

Maybe that’s why I named my shirt AMAZONA, because I always like to play the strong role. And maybe that’s why I always want to play the strong role ‘coz tripping and falling wouldn’t seem as painful whereas when I’m vulnerable.

It’s unusual, I know. Me, Alec Mediodia, afraid of falling? Unfortunately, I am. I think I have this complex of some sort wherein I don’t like to underachieve my expectations. I’ve been told numerous times by my mom that I can’t always expect things to be perfect or the way I want it to be. But it feels good having to be self-centered at times. Egotistical.

After this, I would probably feel nothing regarding this matter. I’m just gonna forget about it, move on, and do things the right way. I’m not hoping for a sooner gain of trust and I don’t expect things to go back cool and normal like it used to. I just still feel like shit for the opportunity that I risked and I’m having a strong feeling of it being wasted. And I just feel disappointed. I could’ve done better.

I just hate the thought that Hoping makes the trip bruise even deeper.

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