Lumagpas ako sa dapat kong puntahan today, kakatunganga sa loob ng jeep. Ang tagal talaga bago nagregister sa utak ko na nadaanan ko na ang Metrobank. Nasa ibang baranggay na ko nang napansin ko na sumobra na ako sa byahe.
Maybe I was thinking too deep. Or thinking too much. Ganito pala ‘pag wala ka ng pasok, kapag nagaantay ka na ng graduation day. It feels like you have so much time and space in your hands. Napapatulala ka na lang sa loob ng jeep kaiisip kung ano na balak mong gawin after grad, after review, at after kumuha ng board. Hindi rin maiwasan na magpakasenti dahil namimiss mo na pumasok, tumanggap ng allowance (at igastos!), makita ang crush mo at syempre yung mga kachismisan mo sa loob at labas ng classroom.
In a way, it feels really good to have this much space to think and be with myself. Para maalala ko naman kung sino na ba ako at kung ano na ang gusto ko maging. Yun lang, napagastos ako ng extra 8 pesos.
Pero, ano man lang ang 8 pesos kumpara sa magiging return once I finally figure out what I really want to do in life, aside from being awesome? I mean, being an engineer. ;) Naalala ko ang sabi sakin ng high school math teacher ko. Sabi niya, “Kung gusto mo maging maganda ang kalalabasan, humanda kang gumastos.” Ito na siguro simula nun.
You are, by far, the only person to make me cry (more than once) who isn’t my relative and you don’t even know it. This is the second time that I woke up from a dream with you in it and I was crying. And of all places to dream, it had to happen when I fell asleep in the bus on my way to school! It went like this.
The scene looked like it was in a hospital room but the bed was made up. No equipment, the curtains open. I was sitting, waiting. And then you came in with a young toddler boy. You led him to me. I introduced myself as his aunt as I bent down to lift the little boy to the bed and gave him a hug. It felt like the best and the worst feeling in the world and the word aunt left a bitter taste to the tongue – like it did not seem right. I hugged the little boy tighter like it was the last chance I got to hold him before letting him down and go back to you, his dad. You came closer and we sat on the bed. You held my hand. I asked you, “Is she treating him well?” You nod and say yes. I told you, “We can’t keep doing this.” You nod.
And that’s when I woke up with tears in my eyes and I had to discreetly pull out my hanky and pat my tears away like something just got in my eye. I told some girlfriends of mine about this because I could not get over that melancholic feeling after having the dream. They told me I wasn’t over you. Well, technically, there is nothing to get over with since there was never anything to begin with. I didn’t think so (the not over you part).
I already told myself that I would let you go just like the last puppy I had to give away and both made me cry. But unlike the real puppy I gave away who never came back (and doesn’t even know me anymore), you did. You find ways to. May it be in real life or in my dreams, you’re there even if I don’t want to know or feel you’re there. You manage to weasel your way into the conversations I have – even when you aren’t physically present. If you are, we talk about you most of the time and it’s always fine by me.
There were times when I should have been envious but I never was. I was genuinely happy when you were and I knew that was what I wanted for you. Whenever you were excited and told me about it, I would genuinely get excited, too. It felt weird but I did. Maybe that was the only way I could show how much I cared. That I could never give more than what a friend does. Because that’s what we are. That is what I have to convince myself that we will ever be. Maybe that is what hurts me the most, having to temper the way you feel. Having to know that there is a limit in giving. I’m waiting for that day when you find that person who can make you happy, more than how a friend should. Then, I would not blame circumstance anymore.
Maybe in an alternate universe, fate would be kinder to both of us. Either by not letting us ever cross paths or by allowing you the circumstance this world prohibits you – that way, you would never have gotten your heart broken nor will I.
Seriously, the past couple of months seem to have just passed by. I haven’t even started on that post of my trip to Singapore (without parents ;>) nor have I done any serious reflecting.
Everybody’s asking me what I’m going to do with my life after graduation! And I honestly do not know where I will be working. Please don’t ask me anymore. Ask me when I do start sending out my resume. I’m not even sure if I’m graduating after this term! There is still that dreaded thesis that we have to defend and conquer. And I have to deal with so many technical standards with so much typographical errors and extremely outdated policies.
I’m not even in my best form. I’ve been visiting the doctors almost every month now and it is so not cheap. Everything seems to be happening with a fog over my head. Like a dream going back and forth from being bittersweet to being a downright nightmare. I’m surprised that I still manage to submit my other requirements on time.
So much for this mini-rant. I missed you dear blog.
Probably my first trip to the beach in 3 years! It’s been a long while and I have been looking forward to this trip since the start of the year. Although I never liked walking with sand between my toes, the urge to take a dip in the water was way greater.
So here was how we got there. We took the RoRo( Roll On Roll Off) at the Pulupandan Port, Bacolod so we could bring cars.
Guimaras isn’t big on road transporation so to get around, it was best you had your own car. Travel time to the Raymen Beach Resort was around 2 hours, excluding the waiting for the ship to leave ( loading and unloading.) After the 45-minute boat ride, it was one hot roadtrip with cousins on the back of my uncle’s truck but it was worth the laughs… and the tan, of course.
Well, when we arrived at Raymen Beach Resort, all my expectations got squashed haha. I was expecting something like The Marriot but then I remembered, we’re in a small town with a white sand beach. Raymen caters to both day trip vi
sitors and those who wish to spend the night, or two ( that’s us.) There are air conditioned rooms, a canteen, wifi, and polite staff.
On the first day, while waiting to check-in to our rooms, we ventured out to the Trappist Monastery to pray…and look for souvenirs haha. I did get to see some monks and a few nuns and the good looking church.
It wasn’t until the second day that we got to see the island’s beauty. At 730 am, we went island hopping even stopping at one island to have a quick swim. It was way better than the beach by the hotel. The water was clearer, quiet. I think it was called the turtle island. Since there was a live turtle sheltered there. But I did not get to see it since I opted to go swimming! (#sorrynotsorry)
We passed by a few more private islands owned by foreigners but I wasn’t really paying attention to what the boatmen were saying since I was busy enjoying the view and the water. ;)
We ventured the town afterwards, to look for fresh fish and PORK since dinner the previous evening was all fish. Well, we managed to buy so much fish and a pack of frozen pork. Meat, it turned out, was scarce in that area. They even have a scheduled day for butchering pork! On Sundays! Yes, I thought I was on abstinence once again. We had a nice lunch though. Spicy Pagi(stingray) cooked in coconut milk. It looked like curry but tasted way better. We had alot of grilled fish and of course we also had the pork grilled.
In the afternoon, we went trekking at the JB Lacson Nature Farm. And that was where I found the most serene side of the beach with the amazing sunset. It was also the side where the corals were still alive. Yes, during the island hopping and the afternoon stroll, so much dead corals were washed up on shore and I have stepped on really big and sharp ones at the beach by the hotel. We strolled a while, I broke a sweat of course. And I enjoyed how quiet it is in the province. It really was a get-away.
But it wasn’t a place to stay for long. Seeing how the disturbance affected the ecosystem, enjoying the quiet paradise Guimaras offered makes the experience quite bittersweet. Even more bitter for me since I did not get to try their mangoes (Guimaras is very well known for them) because I am allergic to it. How ironic.
Wading in the water and getting a tan made up for it, to say the least. And I’m not one to complain on the chance to get some R&R. So all in all, it was a really good trip.
Looking forward to the next beach adventure. View more of my trip at the Gallery below!
I just started reading Sophie’s World for my Philosophy class (reading requirement). Started now since I wanted to read at my own pace and enjoy the book. I borrowed one of the library’s ancient copies – see the photo above. It’s a 1997 version, complete with the dog-eared pages.
Anyway, I’m done with chapter 2 which is still less than 20 pages but it was enough to get off my butt and write. Chapter 2 has made me a little guilty for being an adult and living the boring life of routine and work. Yup, I’m becoming the species going deeper into the rabbit’s fur. And I don’t want that. I don’t want that contentment that comes with the life of routine. I need to get that wonder back in my life.
Around the time I was 3, just before I started school, I vividly remember being a very curious kid. I was the brown kid talking in cartoon english that always asked ‘why?’ “Mommy, why is the sky blue? Why does it have to go this way, not the other?” and so on. Oh, I remember Mom got fed up with all my Whys that I got scolded at some point. I stopped asking her why. So, I learned to search the answers on my own. Discovering new things made more impact and were much remembered since I had to look for it – even if it was just typing a bunch of words in the Yahoo! and Google Search bars.
It went well for a time. And it wasn’t until recently that I realized I lost that spark of wonder. I think it happens when you have too much on your plate that you forget to enjoy what you’re actually eating. I’ve been trying to get back on track a.k.a writing here since this is what’s supposed to be about and it has been really difficult. I won’t lose hope.
I really hope reading this book brings back at least an ounce of that wonder and zest for life – and a 4.0 in my philosophy class. ;)
If you’ve read Sophie’s world and it has changed your outlook in life or if you’re a fan of the book, please talk to me on the comment box haha. Or share your experience :)
To bringing back wonder,
I’ve always made it a point to never write in the heat of the moment because I always end up saying bad things – and commit typos. But after a few long phone calls and a few hours of trying to make sense of what is happening in the home front (if there still is any), I don’t think I’ll make it through the day without writing it out and probably saying a few mean things. So, dear reader, if you’re not up for some negativity, I suggest you skip this post and wait for my summer trip post (I’m still summing up the effort to make it a good piece).